I’m packing up!

Literally.

A mum at school (who doesn’t know my situation but I do tel her how hard it is to be a single mum of three)…asked if I wanted to pack homes for work.  At first I thought, this is so below me!  I know!

But then, I realised, it’s a means to an end…my ordinary life.

So, I’ve now done a few shifts.  The boss man is happy with my work and whilst I can’t say I love it – in fact I get quite low after my 4 hour shift, I find if the client is nice, it can be an ok experience.

The last client was this guy who was very friendly and hung around alot.  There was the occasional hand on waist but I think he’s just a friendly european like me…some people mistake our touchy touchy for flirting.

We continue working at his place for an extra 1.5 hours as I pack his wives wardrobe which is full of cheap clothes… I just don’t get it.  The trick is to save and buy quality  not cheap shit.

Anyway – 9 boxes of clothes later (that’s just the hanging stuff) – I had to run and pick up my kids from school.  And I got paid an extra $45.  It’s not great pay but it’s helping with my rent deficit.

Because I’m a motor mouth, I start telling this guy about my business (which is technically true as it’s not yet liquidated) and what services we offer.  One of which is de-cluttering!  YEP – I LIED!

But the thing is, I am a minimalist and I hate clutter.  My home is a great example of no clutter – so I am very good at de-cluttering!

He hires me the day after (directly as I gave him my mobile number), to declutter his new kitchen which is smaller than his previous one.  I farking aced it.  And he paid me in cash.  I now have on the job experience AND, finally, enough money to pay my rent this week (I only got enough cash from the FWB for 1 week rent but needed 2 weeks thanks to my excitement and paying for two courses!).

Lesson here is – sometimes, shit things can turn good.  Packing is shit.  No one likes doing it…but I turned it into something good.

Straight after I finished the kitchen, I had a market research job ($100 payment) – I had about 90 minutes to spare – going home was very out of the way…so I popped into my FWB place.  he’d just been to my fave patisserie and got my fave mini chocolate and vanilla canolis.

Silver lining – I made money to help with my rent deficit.  I got canolis & sex too.  Winning!

Benefits for my benefits!

I went to a information session yesterday about studying for free (offered to folks on benefits, like myself).

I was told I can’t do this free course as I technically still have a business.  I may have cried.

I find after crying, I can do 1 of two things.

  1. Get depressed
  2. Be highly inspired!

Thankfully, it was while eating a cheese burger (I couldn’t afford the whole meal even though it was only 40 cents more), I was inspired to study.  I started googling cheap courses.

My phone died.

So hours later, I finally make it home after a train and bus (see the investment of time I made to do this free course!) and I check my mail.  There’s my new pensioner card with my updated address.  The card is stuck to a letter that tells you about the benefits of having this card.  When I got my first card 2 years ago – I was so upset that I was poor I needed a pensioner card.  I didn’t read the benefits I was entitled to (except I had found out along the way that I could travel all day on public transport for only $2.50 per day and that I can get my licence for free which was handy as mine was about to expire).

I’m reading this letter and I see TAFE offers discounts.  WOOT.  I look up the courses I want to study.  I prefer classroom style over online (lets be honest – I won’t do it if I’m not going to class) and I found the campus I wanted to attend.  I fill out the enrolment form.  Ten minutes later, I’m on the last page of the enrolment – the payment part – the course costs over $5,000 (WTF) – I see a field to put in my centrelink number….and BAM!  I am now enrolled to study fulltime (17 hours p/w) for a whopping $240.  I paid for it with my rent money and I’ll figure out rent next week.

What a confidence booster.

I’m sos excited (and a tad scared – I haven’t studied in 20 years!).  I’m so excited…I enrolled for a part time course as well… I start my two course in a month.  Oh my.  I made a choice.  I choose to forfeit a couple weeks of rent for course that will get me closer to my ordinary life doing something I love with extraordinary passion.

HOW THE FUCK WILL I PAY RENT FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS!!!!

See how this works…I constantly get myself into trouble.  But I’ll figure it out…

AND… hows this.  Today, my FWB came over for dinner and sex.  I like to throw a meal in – a bit of chit chat before the deed is always nice and pleasant.

I’d made a slow cook massaman curry which was so nice but I cook like I’m feeding a small army (thanks to my European upbringing!).  I’d been eating this curry for 3 days now (lunch and dinner – except the cheeseburger yesterday) and I felt sick at the thought of eating it again.  Literally – I wanted to vomit.  It’s got potato in it so I can’t freeze it (I don’t like freezing potato ok!).

I invite FWB over for dinner and he LOVES it.  After sex, I put the left over curry into a container and tell him to take it.  He loves my cooking and agrees.  He then asks what I spend on my food bill each week.  I tell him.  He offers to pay my grocery bill each week, in exchange for me making him meals.

Considering my freezer is packed full of frozen bolognese and beef and mushroom pies – I agree.  Only, he has to pick the food up as I am not travelling the 20 mins to his house to deliver.

BAM – now I have some extra money.  Not enough for my rent…he pays me in advance.  And we had sex again that night.  It true what they say – a way to a mans heart is through his tummy and his cock.

Silver lining – I can pay rent and I got lots of sex.  Also, my freezer can close properly now and I’m kinda getting paid for something I’d do anyway.  WIN WIN.

 

Jumping off a cliff…

I’d never!

I think about how much better I’d be but for everyone else – that’s a crap deal.

My cousin recently hung himself.  Pretty scary stuff.  I wonder how many people, who have my life would feel like that??  I thought his life was ok.  But then – you never know what shit people are dealing with.

That’s what stops me from telling off every idiot I come in contact with.

You just don’t know.

So instead – I take a deep breath and think about something that is terrible that could have happened to that person.

To the woman at the grocery store.  Well, you work in a grocery store for very little money…nothing more to add. I forgive you for being the most unhelpful person with the worst attitude.

To the guy who walked into me and didn’t have the decency to help me pick up my bags.  You were born with that face.  I know if I looked int he mirror each morning and saw that looking back – I’d want to be a dick to everyone.  I forgive you for being a dick.

To the dismissive guy on the phone.  I get it.  I’m asking you a heap of questions – I’m being slightly annoying – you just want to do your job and sell me shit I don’t want and certainly can’t afford.  I’ve decided to interrupt your sales script and ask you questions you clearly don’t know the answers to.  You must have someone standing next to you with a gun – whispering – make the sale of die.  I forgive you for hanging up on me.  I’m sorry I couldn’t buy your raffle tickets and support the charity who pays your wage.  I hope you did as I asked and removed my number from your damn database.

You know what keeps me as sane as I am (notice I didn’t actually say I was sane!)??  I exercise.  True.

I beat the shit out of punching bags and I can do chin ups and run farther than I could before…which is handy if I ever need to run out of a bad situation right?  I can deadlift 80kg too.  So I could pick up all three of my kids and run us out of a bad situation.

But honestly – between sex and exercise – these two things are keeping my sanity close right now.

People say to me – make your life better … for your kids!  NO.  FUCK THAT.  thats’ how I got into this shit in the first place.  I did things for others.

I gotta get out of my funk for me.  Doing what I want to do.  Working in a job that makes ME happy.  Not for my kids.

My kids will grow up and leave me one day.  Just as I left my parents.

You gotta do stuff for yourself!  My kids love me no matter what.  As long as I love them and provide for them – I don’t need to make my life better for them…I need to do it for me.

Once you take away the pressure of others – and work out what the FUNK do I want, then I can start improving my life.

So I got out sticky notes.  I rote on them what I wanted.  I was sticking them up on the wall.    At first they were things like.

MONEY
HAPPINESS

But then you start to drill down…

I wrote on one

AN ORDINARY LIFE WITH AN EXTRAORDINARY LOVE

I don’t know why.  I mean, I didn’t even hear the words in my head before I wrote it – my hand just wrote it.  I was surprised.  And shocked.  But it was the truest statement about what I never knew I always wanted.

I don’t like attention.  I don’t want to be in the public eye or get fame etc.  That’s why this blog is anonymous.  Not because I’m ashamed of my life.. are you kidding me?  On a happy day I’m fricken so proud of myself.  I am falling and yet all I can think of is how to improve myself, my life etc.  I’m not ashamed of my business loss – just sad that it happened.

But I do want an ordinary life.  An ordinary car, an ordinary home – I don’t dream of a flash house…I dream of a little weatherboard (with heating!).

Now the love bit stumped me for a bit.  Considering I don’t want to be in a relationship – I’m happy to be single (with my FWB) – so why did I write this?  And then I realised…it’s not just a romantic love my hand wrote about…it’s a love for everything.  I want to have an extraordinary love for the work I do, the people around me, the places I’ll travel to (once I am no longer bankrupt).

I framed that postie note.  It means something and it’s what i am working towards,

What would your inspiring postie note say?

Silver lining – I found my cause to work for.  It’s a little airy fairy to some….others will get it.  Now to work out how to get my ordinary life!

Dangling above rock bottom

In my positive state, I often remind myself that having nothing  gives me an opportunity surrender of my own free will  and create the life I want.

Yeah – not today.  I woke up in a crap mood  (might have something to do with the harassing FINAL demand letters I received in my mail yesterday).  I kept waking in cold sweats…that shit bothers me.  Most things I can compartmentalise – but not this shit.  I get that I’m going bankrupt etc etc but it’s still scary.  I’ve got three kids to love and protect – you not only need to be healthy and somewhat sane to do this (a bit of money helps) you also need to be emotionally healthy – I screamed at my kids so much last night.  Over stuff that didn’t matter or things I normally find amusing (like my 5 year old scratching his arse after doing a poo and not wiping properly…HILARIOUS!).

I do honestly feel like I’ve made a choice to surrender to the banks. My choices were awfully limiting…  but none-the-less, I had options.

My choices were;

  1. Liquidation and bankruptcy
  2. Run away
  3. Keep fighting for my company I love

Like I said – not great or many choices – but I think I chose well.

You see, I’m constantly telling mummy friends to ‘choose their battles’ when it comes to kids.  I decided to use that logic for my life and I choose to stop fighting for a company that in the past 2 years has caused me more pain than my last 2 surgeries.

Now I’m not a hugely religious person.  I believe in a higher power.  I don’t really care what we call that higher power. I’ll let you in on a little secret… it’s the same God, we just give him/her/it different names.  Same, Same but Different.

I think the commandments are a good set of rules to live by…you know, don’t steal, don’t have sex with someone else’s partner, treat people the way you want to be treated (my fave!).  If we all did these things – the world wouldn’t be quite so messed up really.

Make no mistake – other than the odd ‘bless you’ for a sneeze – I don’t go around throwing my religion in anyone’s face.  I don’t go to church (that’s my sleep in time!), I don’t read the bible – never have,  nor can I tell you what the ten commandments actually are -without googling which I won’t!

There is a bible passage I love.  I learnt it from a movie that was about a guy on death row (Sean Penn – I’m not googling that either!).  I’m sure it’s not word for word but my version goes like this. By the way – I find it a complete mind fuck thinking about how relevant this passage is to this movie.  A guy who murdered people (?) on death row.  He didn’t have a choice – except the choice to kill them or not kill them.  But then I think it’s about him accepting his fate and punishment of death (I think lethal injection) for the crime he committed.  What ev’s.

My version of the passage is
I lay down my life – no one takes it from me.  I give it of my own free will.

I like it.  Makes me feel like I had a choice.  And you know what…I did.  Because of all my choices in life…I ended up here.

So here I am, dangling, metres above rock bottom.  I know I haven’t hit rock bottom yet, cause I can’t begin to go up.  I can’t improve my life yet cause I haven’t finished tearing it apart.  There’s more to go.  I’m hoping once the liquidation and bankruptcy is done – then I’ll have hit the bottom.  In this case – it won’t hurt so much as I’m not far from the bottom (I hope).

Let’s see how my sunny disposition fucks me up with the hope that rock bottom won’t hurt so much!

So here I am, typing on my desk that seems to be having an ant party – I try not to kill them but once they crawl over the keyboard – I just can’t help it.

I’m hanging in limbo, drinking my cold coffee and a blanket wrapped around me cause this place is FREEZING.  There are police men walking down my street.  And I am trying to finalise all this bloody paperwork for bankruptcy.

Silver lining – I had a sleep in today.  It’s a struggle to find one today…feeling like jumping off a cliff.  BUT, I make the choice not to.

Onwards and Upwards.

Or backwards?

So I mentioned an ex boyfriend.  I love him.  Truly.  We met a month after I separated from my husband and started dating about 6 months after my separation.

He’s a handyman.  He did some handyman work for me.  [insert winky eye emoji…just joking!]

I love that we met like that.  I am a funny about online dating.  I tried it – gave it a real go.  Put real and recent photos of myself up on my profile and everything.

The first guy (on my first date in 20 years!!) asked me to convert to Judaism.

The second guy – a bit older than me.  Clearly posted very old photos of himself because I didn’t recognise him when I saw him.  He started stalking me after I refused a second date.  He got a bit scary.

The third guy – sent me a dick pic!  I haven’t seen a penis in the flesh for years, despite being married, and this guy sends me a photo of his and asks for a photo in return??  I threw my phone across the room in horror!

Sorry guys but your penis isn’t very attractive – neither are our vaginas!  No exchange of photos is necessary.

He got the hint.  Plus he didn’t get my new number!

Anyway, back to the ex.  I have suspicions he was seeing a couple of women when we were first dating and that he didn’t actually want a relationship – just sex.  I realised this about 6 months in.  When he stopped talking to me.  My penny doesn’t drop quickly…clearly I’m a bit thick!

Anyway – we were on, we were off, and on and off.  He’s kinda like my comfortable place.  Sounds stupid.  I’m reading this thinking I’m a complete dick and deserved all the tears I cried…

Anyway, I broke up with him months ago when I was just sick of him.  The attitude, the crap.  I ended things as I boarded a cruise.  I’m all class!

and…if you’re wondering how a po’ white woman affords a cruise…good question.  My friend wanted to go, had no one else and I promised I’d pay her back when I can.  I save $5 a week.  you’d be surprised if you put all your gold coins and $5 notes in a little jar – how much you can save…otherwise known as a money box – but I couldn’t afford the money box so I’ll just use an old curry jar!.

A couple weeks after my return for this cruise, we started speaking (about the cat) and eventually one night (when I was drunk), he surprised me with a visit.  I was fresh out the shower and drunk.

And he stayed the night.  I do remember asking him to leave before passing out…

So, now he’s my friend with benefits.  We still fight like a couple but at the end of the day – he knows I can only give him friendship.  I got NOTHING else to give.  And we care for each other – so it’s nice.  Plus we all need a bit of special companionship.  But we are just friends (I know you can all see how messy this will get…I can’t…I think this will end well).

 

So a girl in my circumstances is well within her rights to take on a FWB.  Thank you very much.  And just letting you know – this never happens while my children are home.

Plus – it’s amazing how much sex can help.

Firstly – my mood.  I go from ‘moody’ bitch to annoying ‘lets do that again’ bitch  to ‘just pull the door closed behind you’ chilled out MF.

Wonderful!

So in a way, I feel as though I’ve gone backwards…back to the ex who is still an ex.  Strange but it’s working right now…I’m sure you’ll hear all about when it’s no longer working.

While I’m here – let me update you on my money situation.  yup – still the same.  I got none.  I had the banks debt collectors call me this week with threats of court.  This scared the living shit out of me.  So I thought I’d ask for alternatives.  She said there was none – I just had to pay my whole debt by end of week.  I reminded her that if I had the money lying around like that – I wouldn’t be in this situation to begin with.

So I tried to sound tough.  I asked to speak with her manager.  I always wanted to do that!

She said no.

Just no.  No explanation.

So I said No.  Just randomly.  I said ‘No’.  I said it quite calmly too.

She said ‘No?’

And I said “No – you can’t have your money this week.  It’s a two way street honey’.

As she started talking – I spoke over (continuing my sentence)…

‘You see…if I spoke to your manager, I might be able to mysteriously find money to pay my debt’ (note that I said MIGHT – there’s no way in hell I could find $5,000 let alone the amount I owe!).

She transferred me.  VICTORY!!!!

I got a guy.  He sounded so confident when he picked up the phone (after a few minutes of obviously being brought up to speed with my ‘case’.).

I took the opportunity to RANT like only a sleep deprived single mumma can. It worked.  He transferred me back to the bank – they gave me a 3 month extension to pay.

Which means, I have three months to get bankrupt.  And no harassing calls in that time.

Silver lining – I’m getting sex!  Thats it really…an extension on paying my bills that I won’t be able to afford in 3 months (no I don’t play lotto – I can’t afford it!) is no silver lining – especially when that same bank is the same reason I’m filing for bankruptcy.

Sex – I get sex.

Rock Bottom

The funny thing about rock bottom is…you really don’t know when you hit it.  I mean, we think we do but…so we?

So my landlord gave me notice she wasn’t extending my lease as she wants to move in.  I’m a single mum, on benefits, no other income (besides child support).  I don’t live anyway fancy or expensive but my single parent benefits don’t even cover my rent.

I’m applying for affordable housing.  Which is a tad scary.  I’ve been talking to someone about emergency housing and housing commission – are you fricken serious?  I can pay my rent – I have a great rental history (I just can’t afford anything else), and now I’m facing homelessness?

I’m looking at rental properties int eh cheapest suburbs in the area, I’m looking in areas I swore I’d never look in.

I feel dirty when I walk into these places.  There’s trolleys abandoned in the streets (loads of trolleys), screaming kids, screaming adults, cockroaches, police cars.

To make matters worse – I have a cat.  She’s gorgeous & I love her.  Who needs a husband when you can cuddle this kitty!  (I’m joking!).

I’ve only had her a few months.  She’s my ex-boyfriends.  Long story.

So half the crap properties I’m looking at (2 bedroom for 4 of us), won’t allow pets.

Finally, I find one.  I meet the landlord.  I lie alot about my business and my success.  It WAS true about 2 years ago (a white lie – right?).  I ask him about the cat – he agrees.  WOOT.

Now I need to put in my application and show income.  FARK!!!!!

I find old payslips.  I do a dodgy and amend the date.

I lodge them.

I can’t show bank statements so I umm, lie again.

I get approved!  WOO WOOT!

Now I have to move…but I can’t afford a removalist.  FARRRRRKKKK!

My stress levels are red-lining.  I’m up day and night packing, sorting, loading the car, doing trips, cleaning, unpacking.  I don’t have enough boxes so I’m reusing the ones I have.  Friends offer to help.  Mostly they forget.  I’m bent over boxes in the hallway, with tears.  My back is aching but I can’t stop.

I’m feeling pretty low.

My new place.  Is a dump!  One friend lies and says it’s not that bad.

My cat doesn’t want to go outside and as a present, one of my neighbours left a bag of shit (I’m hoping it wasn’t human poo) at my front door.  It could be worse… I’m not sure how.  But it could be worse!

Silver lining – I cleaned out alot of shit.  Moving is good for that.

I now live in walking distance to a westfield and a bunnings.    My parents are closer (yay!) and the lady next door loves screaming at her kids at all hours – constantly dropping the f-bomb.

Note – I only swear when my kids aren’t around.

There is a good park at the end of the street – and when the local teenagers aren’t there swearing and carrying on – it’s a great place for my kids to play.

From here – onwards and upwards right?

Where the FARK am I?

I’m 40.  Not more than $20 in the bank.  Three kids (amazing little buggers!).  Not an asset to my name.  No job.  A failed business.

WOW.

Overwhelmed doesn’t even begin to explain how I feel.

I hate my life.  Some days, I hate myself for getting myself here.

So yesterday, using all of my savings, I paid a company to liquidate my company.  Yep.  You have to pay (even though you have NO MONEY) another company to take your insolvent company and liquidate it.

I actually never knew what that meant until I had to do it.  But an insolvent business/company is one that can no longer pay it’s bills.  And when you liquidate a company – you pull it apart until it no longer exists.  Someone goes to all of the people who you owe money and sorts that shit out (I don’t know the exact process and quite frankly – I don’t give a rats ass).

Someone is killing my company.  Right now.  As I type.

This is painful.  My company was my baby.  At a time when I lost 5 babies – I gave birth to my company.  It provided me a lot of joy and like most children – took alot of my energy and money – but I loved it.

For me to hand it over to the liquidators – damn near killed me.  It took 5 months from when I couldn’t pay bills anymore until now.  I know – it’s a business…but I loved it.  I loved my work.  And you know what – I was excellent at it (and I don’t say I’m excellent about ANYTHING!).  Not running a business – that I sucked at.  Majorly.

I was good – great at my job.  I was award winning.  My clients loved me and I loved them (well, most of them!).

BUT WAIT!  It gets worse.  Since it’s the bank that I owe the most amount of money to…and I was a personal guarantee to my business banking liabilities…I also have to file for bankruptcy.

Yep.

So – bankruptcy is.  Three years of not able to own anything (eg car) thats worth more than $7,700.  No assets – tick!  No travelling overseas without applying for approval (and get this – you have to pay for your application) – I’m farking poor!

In the lead up to this week, I couldn’t pay my business mobile phone – so I got a new phone – a cheap plan.

I actually cried about getting a new mobile number.  I’d had my old one for 17 years!  I didn’t want a new number.  Fast forward 1 month…I love how my new phone doesn’t have people constantly calling asking (demanding) for money… AND, my new number is much easier to remember.  And I don’t have those non-friends texting or calling anymore.  I didn’t advertise that I changed number – I just did.  I only gave it to the nearest and dearest in my life.  Those that matter to me.  I have the power!

It’s funny how we get attached to things.  THINGS!  Haven’t we got enough in our life that hanging onto things like phone numbers and failing businesses is just a waste of our sweet time?

I heard of a friend of a friend paying over $1000 to keep her mobile number.  W.T.F.?   How many awesome pairs of shoes could I buy with that!!

Silver lining – I’m crying less by admitting my failures.  I blame no one by myself – not because I’m being hard on myself, but because I’m being truthful with myself.  There’s a difference!

I’m not wallowing in coulda, woulda, shoulda – instead, I want to think about all the possibilities that lie ahead.

And you know what’s funny – I’m meeting so many people who are going or have been through the same thing (either liquidation or bankruptcy or both) and they are still alive.  They are making their lives better.

Mostly, the advise I’m getting is – don’t rush into anything.  Relax and prepare.  Don’t rush into another job/career etc – take this time to really think about everything.  And so I shall…

So where the fark am I?  I honestly don’t know.  Maybe I’m at rock-bottom and from here – I can only go up…right?